How to Deal With a Bully at School
How do you teach your kids to deal with a bully? Our oldest son, who is currently ten (nearly eleven) years old and in 5th grade, told us last night that one of the kids in his class has been picking on him and calling him names.
A bit of background
While the name-calling has been pretty run-of-the-mill stuff so far, we don’t want it growing into something larger. Moreover, the kid in question apparently told our son that he’d “get him” during recess if he told a teacher. Given this, we’ve decided that it would best to nip it in the bud right now.
It seems that the protagonist is an equal opportunity bully, in that he’s been picking on and threatening a number of kids in the class, including a number of our son’s friend. From the sound of things, he’s a bit of a loner, and I suspect he’s lashing out because he feels left out.
Anyway, enough pop psychology…
Standing up to a bully
Rather than inserting ourselves into the situation, we’ve decided that it would be best for our son to try and work this out on his own, at least at first. To that end, we had a chat with him last night before bed and suggested some possible responses the next time this happens.
We certainly don’t want him to escalate things, so we’ve advised him to steer clear of this kid as much as possible. However, if confronted, we would like to see him stand up for himself, so…
First and foremost, we suggested that he respond to any further name-calling by simply making eye contact and telling the other kid (firmly and confidently) to:
“Stop calling me names.”
If asked what he’s going to do about it, we suggested that he respond matter-of-factly with:
“Tell the teacher.”
If he’s then greeted with a playground threat, we advised him to respond with:
“Stop threatening me. I’m not afraid of you.”
It doesn’t hurt that the kid is actually considerably smaller than our son, and he’s not actually afraid of him — he’s more annoyed than anything else. And to close with:
“If you don’t stop, I will tell the teacher.”
And then make good on his promise by telling the teacher.
The goal here is to be firm, confident, and non-provocative. In my experience, the vast majority of incidents like this happen because the protagonist enjoys getting a rise out of their mark, and they are further emboldened when their victim shies away from the confrontation, so… Say it like you mean it, and then act on it.
This is all new territory for use, so we’ll see how it goes.
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I hope it goes well for him. Keep us posted
Comment by Melissa — Sep 11th 2008 @ 8:38 amAre you kidding? You aren’t going to step in after this kid has threatened violence? My 6th grade son called me crying from home yesterday due to a bully following him home from school throwing rocks the whole way and calling names. We’ve contacted the school and learned that this problem has been going on for YEARS. We’ve now contacted the police since the school isn’t following their “zero tolerance” policy. Who is to say that just because he stops bullying your child that he won’t start on another? I’m sorry if I come off harsh, but bullies need to be stopped at once, not left to bully someone else. I hope your sons bully stopped.
Comment by A concerned parent — Sep 25th 2008 @ 1:46 pmI think your advice to your son is spot on. And the pop pychology probably isn’t far off.
Comment by mother of twin girls — Oct 14th 2008 @ 11:16 pmI suspect the stand-off will bode well for your son.
Why not take it one step further and suggest to your son that he ask the kid to join their group and play ball or something and if the kid says no suggest he try again. Remind your confident well-adjusted healthy son that others are not always as blessed as he.
Offending and defending is just battle –
BEFRIENDING is the challenge that will ultimately win the war!
Zero tolerance is a crock unless it means the amount they will address the problem. Does it mean ignore it and it will go away? It’s a “normal, childhood rite of passage”? This seems to be the stance schools are taking. I cannot say use violence against this bully and he will leave you alone.
“I’m sorry to hear you still wet the bed.” that worked for my daughter, the boy said, “How did you know?”
It’s true that past bullies only wanted to be his friend, but I don’t know about this more recent one. “I will tell the teacher” is what these kids do all day to the point that it is difficult to discern which issues should be addressed.
Thanks for listening.
Comment by mjvc — Oct 23rd 2008 @ 9:22 amI like what you say about having him stand up to the bully first. He’ll learn from it! If you were to just sort out his problems yourself, what does he learn, right?
I like what you have to say! I’ll be back!
Comment by Trevor — Nov 12th 2008 @ 12:12 am